i feel attacked lately, by the weather, by my disorders, by what used to be a close friend. it's painful to see such violent delights have such violent ends. such is a lot of my life, although i suppose that's how it is with many people-- a body gets close to another, and then one leaves and the other is left in pain. it's all right. it isn't as though i've never lived through a major loss before.
i keep getting told i just have Really Bad Luck. i wonder how much more bad luck it takes for me to collapse. i feel acceptable at this very moment, but i'm hurt, and i sometimes feel very alone. simultaneously, i feel simply grateful for my wonderful job and my friends-- they help so immensely, even though i can tell the latter doesn't know quite what to do with me oftentimes. just speaking with me, even online, is more than enough.
i spent my evening tonight at the local holiday parade, and i ended up by myself and watching people. i enjoy seeing people's reactions, watching people's dogs and babies and all, and then i see groups of young teenagers and wish with all my heart that i could be that age again. just to feel that excitement and have that social experience. such nostalgia.
sometimes, i really wish i could hibernate.
i'm ready for thanksgiving and seeing people. how extraordinarily, fantastically exhausting it will be.
music: love vigilantes -iron&wine