Tuesday, November 22, 2011

social starvation in a crowd.

i feel attacked lately, by the weather, by my disorders, by what used to be a close friend. it's painful to see such violent delights have such violent ends. such is a lot of my life, although i suppose that's how it is with many people-- a body gets close to another, and then one leaves and the other is left in pain. it's all right. it isn't as though i've never lived through a major loss before.
i keep getting told i just have Really Bad Luck. i wonder how much more bad luck it takes for me to collapse. i feel acceptable at this very moment, but i'm hurt, and i sometimes feel very alone. simultaneously, i feel simply grateful for my wonderful job and my friends-- they help so immensely, even though i can tell the latter doesn't know quite what to do with me oftentimes. just speaking with me, even online, is more than enough.

i spent my evening tonight at the local holiday parade, and i ended up by myself and watching people. i enjoy seeing people's reactions, watching people's dogs and babies and all, and then i see groups of young teenagers and wish with all my heart that i could be that age again. just to feel that excitement and have that social experience. such nostalgia.

sometimes, i really wish i could hibernate.

i'm ready for thanksgiving and seeing people. how extraordinarily, fantastically exhausting it will be.

music: love vigilantes -iron&wine


  1. Nice post, I like it so much! This sketch is so beautiful!!!

    Fox House giveaway on my blog!
    Take a look and maybe follow?: Cosa mi metto???

  2. first of all, thank you for your comment with all my heart. you made me feel like wanting to blog again! because sometimes i think i'm just talking to myself and nobody bothers to read about my life. your words were very kind and heart-warming.

    secondly, i FEEL your pain. i spend so much time thinking 'oh i wish i could hibernate for some months', and looking at people smiling and thinking how i miss being happy as that. well, i can erase your way of feeling things obviously. I can only tell you, you are not alone and it's not your fault. :) It's okay. And it's good to learn how to be on our own. We have to be our best company. kiss *