social starvation in a crowd.

i feel attacked lately, by the weather, by my disorders, by what used to be a close friend. it's painful to see such violent delights have such violent ends. such is a lot of my life, although i suppose that's how it is with many people-- a body gets close to another, and then one leaves and the other is left in pain. it's all right. it isn't as though i've never lived through a major loss before.

i keep getting told i just have Really Bad Luck. i wonder how much more bad luck it takes for me to collapse. i feel acceptable at this very moment, but i'm hurt, and i sometimes feel very alone. simultaneously, i feel simply grateful for my wonderful job and my friends-- they help so immensely, even though i can tell the latter doesn't know quite what to do with me oftentimes. just speaking with me, even online, is more than enough.

i spent my evening tonight at the local holiday parade, and i ended up by myself and watching people. i enjoy seeing people's reactions, watching people's dogs and babies and all, and then i see groups of young teenagers and wish with all my heart that i could be that age again. just to feel that excitement and have that social experience. such nostalgia.

sometimes, i really wish i could hibernate.

i'm ready for thanksgiving and seeing people. how extraordinarily, fantastically exhausting it will be.

music: love vigilantes -iron&wine

testing, testing.

i took saturday afternoon to help out with a workshop at DAVIDEJACKSON | STUDIOS. of course, dave was brilliant and caught some great shots seemingly effortlessly.

with any luck, i'll soon feature more photographers from shooting the same day.

keep checking back for more posts.

the top.

previously, i wrote that i don't pick out whole collections and dub them incredible-- that i'd spring to certain garments and obsess over those instead-- but there were a few collections on the spring/summer 2012 catwalks that stood out in their entirety.

one was prabal gurung. with rorschach-like explosions of violet and turquoise on many pieces-- added to ridiculously exaggerated sixties-style sunglasses and a punch-pink lip-- this runway grabbed my eye immediately.

  

in my experiments in drawing, i learned how difficult it is to recreate the satiny sheen of the dress-- i used watercolor paints in unconventional ways, pencil, pastel, and ink from a broken pen in my attempts. i'm bent on finding a better way to bring across that particular glossy look. it might even be best to use negative space: perhaps i just need to learn how to work with the ink around the negative space to get the best effect. when i do, the dimensions of the dress will pop tenfold.

another collection i was wholeheartedly in love with was ashish. it erred on the side of being typical for spring-- florals all over-- but it took on a nineties flare and then put a twist on the whole mashup. sequins were added to shifts. moody makeup was paired with long, whimsical braids. to top it off, the floral theme was unexpectedly switched up when designer ashish gupta came up with the brilliant idea of twisting actual flowers into the laces of his models' combat boots. with fake flowers, the concept is pretty practical for those more daring in the fashion world.

appropriately, i used blo-pens to put some of the finishing touches on this drawing. i felt i should use nineties art supplies for nineties-inspired clothing. a small amount of glitter was also used in addition to my usual gamut of drawing materials.

the last collection i have yet to draw from, and that is that of gareth pugh. the gothically-inclined genius created white and black cage dresses and over-the-knee boots that have so many lines they require an almost mathematic understanding to recreate on paper, so it will be a challenge, but i'll be posting the results as soon as i'm done.

too soon.

i would say it was the first hailstorm of the winter season today, but the solstice won't come until later in december. i suppose the midwest's just lucky that way-- i get to experience this weather at least seven months out of every year.

each day of those seven months is a massive struggle for me-- i'm always cold, always tired. hibernation feelings hit everyone, but some people receive the blow tenfold. i am one of those people. it's difficult to describe the tension that grows in my shoulders from hunching them to keep warm, something that can grow into a pain so deep that it fights my attempts to wake up and move. as many vitamins as my body takes in, it really needs lots of sunlight to keep going. it needs light and warmth to work up a will to do anything at all. i suppose that would be the eightieth reason or so why i don't quite belong here.

... i just start to miss the people who can't come back.

fortunately enough, i have tea and blankets and books and friends to cuddle, work and art and school projects to focus on. i feel like i constantly need to cry out that i'm still here. i'm still working, i'm still trying, i'm still here in the middle of this wintry mess.

i need to hang some lights around my room and put up a mistletoe or three. it's about time.

flannel, $15, forever21; cardigan, mom's, vintage; scarf, $3, ragstock; necklace, mom's, vintage; shorts, $2, ragstock; sweater tights, gift; wedges, $25, old navy.

shy.

portraiture.

more from alacrity photography here.

music: the right decision -nataly dawn


new drawings to be posted soon.